Suicide and Regret
by AngelLija
Summary: Lucky can't handle loosing Liz and goes out to kill himself, only to find another suicidal soul. Will they save eachother?


_Author's note: this is my take on the mucky, sic, laison, sleeping around. This is intended to be a one shot, but it might become more. I'm not sure yet, but the ending of this one shot does leave it open for more. Feedback, reviews, and your general opinions are very welcome, so share your opinions, I like reading them._

**Suicide and Regret**

He was useless, he was worthless, he was beyond redemption. He was nothing, no longer a man, no longer human, no longer one of God's children, now that the Devil possessed him. Lucky Spencer walked down to the docks and watched as the water below him crashed into rocks and wood, like his blood will crash and then dissolve with the worthlessness of him.

He had cheated on his wife, which was a sin in itself. But it got worse. He didn't just cheat on her. Cheating would imply that he liked the other person, that he couldn't resist temptation of the other woman who seduced him. It wasn't like that.

The truth was, the woman was a convenient fuck and nothing more. She was a skank, a tramp, a slut, a woman not worth the name of womanhood. And to make matters worse, she was also the boss's daughter. She was Maxi Jones, and she was a manipulative bitch with a thirst for trouble. And the trouble that she pulled in, she also wrapped everyone around her into her evil web. He was one of her victims. He should have know. Her last man was laying in a grave and Maxi had the audacity to kiss Lucky right by the grave side of the man she had "missed". What a laugh! How outrageous!

By sleeping with the bimbo who gave him drugs, allowed him to form an addiction, helped bring him to the brink of insanity, he had hurt his wife, the woman he truly loved.

Elizabeth was perfect. She was beautiful, courageous, strong, smart, sexy, and had many aspirations. She was his childhood sweetheart, and now he had broken her, like he broke everything he touched lately.

The worst of it was, this time he couldn't fix it. This time, he knew it was over for good. It was over forever. He had done the unthinkable.

Tears started to dwell in his eyes as he stared at the water below him, and he knew that his blood will be washed off by morning, him never to be found. No one would consider him as suicidal, but that was what he was. Lucky Spencer wasn't feeling so Lucky when he pulled out his police issued gun from his backside and took off the safety. No need to play Russian roulette. People only played that stupid game when they didn't want to die, they just made a show of it. He knew his life was over, he knew he had to eliminate himself.

With shaking hands, he put the gun to his temple. Holding in a sob, he tapped the trigger, shy about pulling it. He was about to press the trigger when. . .

"Don't," a voice said behind him and his finger froze. He didn't pull the trigger. So close, yet the voice stopped him.

Why? Oh, why? Oh, why?

Nervous at who he might see, he lowered his gun and turned to face the beautiful woman scorned. She had tears in her eyes. The tears were matching his own, and so was her self hate.

---

If there was one thing she liked the most, it was water. She loved to swim and did so every chance she could. She intended to go for a swim when she started walking toward the docks. She intended to swim, to feel the pull of the current, to fight for her life, and if chance allowed, to loose the fight. She wasn't suicidal, it wasn't her thing, but she saw no need to live, so she was ready to play Russian roulette in a new way. Instead of a gun, she will take a swim. The waters were dangerous because of the winds, and if she died, she died. If she survived, she would leave town.

Tears ran down her eyes as she walked down the stairs to the docks, expecting to be alone. But knowing her rotten luck, no such thing. Lucky Spencer was standing by the water, with a gun to his head, and the holder of the gun was he himself.

"Don't," she said softly as she stood frozen and watched as he lowered the gun and turned to face her.

For a long moment that seemed to span lifetimes, he just stared at her. His own eyes reflected the same regret she felt. Regret for something tragic that was done.

"Why not?" he finally said as he looked down at the gun with disbelieving eyes.

"I don't think you want to die."

"Much that you know," he shot back. "Now you have a choice. You either leave and pretend you never saw me today, or you could stay and watch the show. I'll try to make it entertaining."

"Are you drunk?" she asked as she stepped toward him.

His eyes shot up at her and he put the gun to his head quickly. "Don't come closer or I'll shoot myself."

"If you really wanted to shoot yourself you would have done it. You wouldn't be holding yourself hostage. But fine." She took a step backward and held up her hands in surrender. "I don't know what you did, but it couldn't be worse then what I did."

He hated having her there. What the hell was she doing questioning his determination of dying? Of course he wanted to die, he had nothing else to live for!

His heart was beating wildly as he tried his hardest to ignore the presence of the woman and to just shoot himself. But since she seemed to be so sure that she was a bigger sinner, he decided to tell her of his one true mistake in life. "I slept with Maxi Jones. I cheated on my wife and slept with an underage bimbo who was providing me with drugs," he noticed that he was yelling. "I slept with my boss's daughter. You couldn't top that, never."

She just let out a fake chuckle as if it was funny. But tears popped out of her eyes as she walked closer to him. She had her arms crossed across herself defensively and her body was shaking from the cold and from the crying. She looked broken, and dirty, and mostly she looked lost. "You want me to top that?" she said loudly, on the verge of yelling, or maybe hysteria. But then she looked down, soft tears fell from her eyes as she stood still and shook slightly. "I slept with my mother's husband. I slept with the man who hates my true love more then anything. I slept with the man who had a pregnant woman chained to a wall." She looked up at him, her eyes burning with self hate. "I slept with Ric Lancing."

Lucky lowered the gun. "You win."

She smiled weakly as she stared at the water. Her heart was breaking as she looked at the dangerous current. Tears leaked like droplets of heaven's rain.

Lucky couldn't bare to watch her so broken. He walked toward her, and softly put his hand on her back only to watch her pull away like a wounded cat who was in the process of licking her wounds.

"Jason and Liz are sleeping together," she said almost to herself. "I wish I could hate him for it. I wish I could hate her. But the truth is, they are great together."

"Liz deserves someone great," Lucky said as he put one hand in his jeans pocket and the other one down, still holding the gun. "But I don't think Jason is that guy."

Sam looked up at him through painful eyes. "That's the think. He's perfect. He's a great guy. He would never leave you in the rain, he would never betray you, he's so smart and so strong, and so heroic. He could be her saving grace."

"Aren't you jealous?" Lucky asked, gazing down at the dangerous water.

"Of course I'm jealous, but I kinda knew it was coming. I knew it for a while. Truth is, nothing good stays in my life. I always end up crashing and burning. You know the phrase, nothing gold can stay."

"And what are you going to do now?" he asked as he looked down at her shivering legs, the short skirt ripped at the hem, the red tank top that looked like spilled blood and sin without redemption, the messy hair that looked like it was a result of bad sex. And the face of regret, the regret that matched him own.

She looked at him, into his dark eyes, the eyes that wanted an answer. The eyes that were looking for understanding, someone who understood his mistake and had made the same ones. "I'm going to jump into that water and wait for it to swallow me, and if it doesn't, I will leave town."

"Don't do it."

"Why not?"

He didn't answer, he just looked at her. It was obvious that he couldn't come up with an answer and with that, Sam jumped. Her body crashed hard against the frozen waves. The intense cold was probably enough to kill her, but she was still alive.

Somehow, instinctually she had inhaled before hitting the waves. Now, she rose up and breathed out. She watched as Lucky stared down at her, but the gun was out of his hands and laying beside his feet. The look on his eyes was frozen shock. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. Frozen in motion.

But she didn't have time to be looking at him, and slowly she pulled her head under water. She felt her empty lungs constrict. She felt them burn with the need for air. She eyes burned from the tears she had shed. Her body was becoming numb to the cold and was now finding it's deadly seduction calming. Sam felt the current pull her in all directions, pull her down.

Through the darkness of the water, she saw light. A bright light somewhere far away, somewhere in the distance. She was in a tunnel. A tunnel with pictures of everyone she met, everyone she loved, everyone she hated. She saw quick flashes of life, her life. Her mistakes, her life lessons, her painful memories, only to be balanced off with happy ones. On the flashes, she saw Lucky's eyes. The look of shock on his eyes the moment she dove under.

She ignored him, ignored the happiness she shared with Jason, ignored her biggest mistake with Ric. The only thing that lured her was the bright light. The light that lead to heaven.

God, heaven! Was she worth it? Was it for her? If she were the judge, she would condemn herself to hell. But Sam guessed that maybe God was more forgiving and understanding then her.

The light came closer, closer, closer. The tunnel got shorter. She could hear voices. Her brother's voice. The sweet, innocence of Danny. She felt tears damp her eyes. God, she had missed him. She had missed him more then she would ever admit to anyone.

And then, came the sweet cry of a little girl. No, not a cry, a laugh, a giggle.

She could see Danny with his favorite baseball cap on his head. In his hands, he was holding a little bundle of pink blankets, and in the blankets laid her daughter. Her stillborn little girl. She felt weak in her knees. She ran toward the light. Ran toward her family. Ran toward the people she had loved and lost. She ran, her hands itching to hold those she had lost close to her. She ran, longing to hold her daughter for the first time in her life. She ran, only to see the bright light fade.

"Danny!" she shouted. "Lila!"

The light brightened but Danny was walking away, with tears in his eyes.

"You couldn't come here, Sam," he said tearfully.

She knew it was too good to be true. She knew she wasn't redeemed yet. Damn it, why did she sleep with Ric? Why did she allow herself such sin! "Why?"

"It's not your time, you have to wake up now. You have to live now. You can't come here. You can't be a part of us yet. Your mission in life hasn't been completed."

The darkness took over again. No more light. Just darkness.

Hell?

Maybe.

The eternal prison of life and death?

Probably.

"Come on, Sam," someone urged. A man, but who?

"Breath, Sam."

She wanted to scream but she couldn't. She couldn't stop shaking, she couldn't stop feeling the un-comfort on her back and the numbness on her front. She couldn't stop feeling the wetness of the water. She couldn't stop fighting the harshness of the wind.

"Come on, Sam, open your eyes and breath!" he yelled at her frantically.

Against her will she opened her eyes. The darkness was scary, but it held the promise of that warm light. She wanted to see that light. She wanted to see the people on the other side. But she opened her eyes, forever letting go of that heavenly dream.

"Sam," Lucky said breathlessly as he looked down at her. Only then did she feel the drops of wetness hit her, falling from him onto her. Only then did she see the fear in his eyes, or the wetness of his skin. She realized what had happened, how he had saved her.

"I didn't know if you were going to live or not, I just knew I couldn't watch you drown," he said after meeting only her shocked stare. A stare of confusion and epiphany.

"You saved me," she said, still unsure of the actions he had taken to ensure her survival. "Why?"

"What we both did was bad, but come to think about it, it's about damn time."

She tried to sit up, only to feel her lungs burn, so she remained to lay on the docks. "What do you mean?"

"The perfect residents of Port Charles have all cheated on each other. It's about time we did so too. Only we learned to regret it. Come to think about it, Sonny always cheats on his women. Patrick was trying to get into Carly's pants and Robin's at the same time. Emily was two timing Zander and Nicholas while recovering from cancer. Carly was with Sonny and Lorenzo at the same time. And the list goes on and on, and on. So what we did isn't as bad as what they did. Or at least what you did isn't so bad."

"How?" she stuttered out. "How what I did isn't bad?"

"You slept with Ric but you've been done with Jason for a while."

"I slept with a married man. A man married to my mother," she tried to scream, only to find her voice hollow inside. "You shouldn't have saved me."

"Is that the thank you I get?"

She started to cry, tears, sobs. Her body shook with the motion of the pain she felt. "I was so close to holding my brother and my daughter. And you took that away from me." She reached up her hands. It was hand, it went against nature, or at least it felt like. Her arms didn't feel like her own. But she did so anyway. She started hitting him on the chest, hitting him, pushing him away.

Her tears clouded her vision, but her voice came out stronger. "I wanted to hold my baby," she yelled. "I wanted to feel the softness of her skin. I wanted to know that she's alive somewhere. That she's happy in heaven. I wanted to hold her, to just hold her. I wanted to hug my brother. I wanted to hear him tell me how great heaven was. I wanted to just be with my family. They are the only ones I have. I have no one besides them." She cried. Her tears burned her eyes and she felt like a hot fire was running down her face and she kept pushing him away, though no longer hitting him. She didn't have the strength. And soon, she stopped pushing him. "I lost my chance," she cried softly. "I was so close, and you pulled me out of heaven."

Lucky wrapped his arms around her. His warm body warmed her and out of weakness, she placed her falling head on his shoulder. "I have no one now," she sobbed. "I have no one."

"You have me," he said against her ear as he pulled her closer to himself. "God, you're shaking. You need to see a doctor. You could have died down where."

She didn't pay any attention to what he was saying. The only think she heard was 'You have me'. She felt his pull, felt his embrace, but ignored the rest of his words, only having those three words repeat in her head over and over again. "And who are you?"

"A friend," he said as he rubbed his hand over her forehead. "You're burning up."

Through the weakness, the tears, the dizziness, her own shame and self hate, she managed to smile. "I need a friend." And then she hugged him, hugged him as tightly as she could.

Who could have known that just when she had lost all, lost hope, and nearly lost her life, she would find her saving grace, she would find her redemption, her redeemer.

Her short path through the tunnel of light left her feeling cleansed, reborn, resurrected. And her newfound friend made her feel that she could face the world again, face all of those who hated her, and the list wasn't short.

In that moment, suicide and regret behind, she found a reason to live. And Lucky, the man who came to the docks to end his own life, was now holding her. She felt his heart beat with the need to live. She felt his redemption. In that moment, suicide and regret aside, they found a reason to live.


End file.
